The gift of accepting your own reality

 

An absolute point to ponder when it comes to reality is perception. Our entire civilization is based on perception. The things we have learned to appreciate and those we have learned to look down on, the products and people we respect by virtue of their position, and those we reject because they behave or think differently; the brands we pay large sums of money for, and those we would rather leave untouched: most of it is based on perception. The value of precious gems and minerals is based on perception. Economic models, “real” versus “fake” art, fashion trends and value definitions: they are all based on perception.

Most things are seen in their current way because someone once defined how they should be looked at. The majority of people don’t think further whether they really feel that these things are worth what the status quo dictates. What makes a Van Gogh or Da Vinci so much more expensive than a perfect replica or a beautiful painting from an unknown artist? It’s perception. And it costs us a lot. People want to be seen with expensive purses, clothes, and shoes; they want to drive in expensive cars, and live in “upscale” neighborhoods, not necessarily because they are better, but because they are perceived to be. It takes courage to realize that, and even more courage to contemplate on it and draw your own conclusions.

Very few people dare to be bold enough to swim against the current, because that would mean that they are “different”, and “different” is a vulnerable spot to be in. Being different affects our sense of belonging, and if you remember, “sense of belonging” has a prominent place in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs! People want to be accepted by their surroundings, and being different means rising above that urge and facing your own values. Mama Cass sings about the difficulty of being different in the title song of an odd, old children’s movie named “Pufnstuf”(1970):

“Different is hard, different is lonely

Different means trouble for you only

Different is heartache, different is pain

But I’d rather be different than be the same…”

 

If you don’t have the courage to think for yourself about what really matters to you, what you can or want to afford, what drives your passion, and what you are happy with, you will be like 98% of humanity: victimized by mindsets that were dictated by others, oftentimes for their own selfish reasons, which are to become wealthy and famous at the expense of the ignorant ones. Of course, not all name brands, high end products, or prominent lifestyles are deceptive. Some really go out of their way to deliver better quality and represent a different experience. Still, they are often grossly overrated.

Creating your own reality does not mean that you can change all the things that happen to you. You may not be able to change those, but you can always change your perception, hence, your attitude. Sitting back and allowing yourself to be overrun by the status quo, or paralyzed by bad news or setbacks is not going to get you far.

The gift of learning

Mark Twain was quite pointed and sometimes downright callous with his remarks, many of which are now elevated to famous quotes. You can’t help, however, to chuckle at some of them, such as this one, "First God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made School Boards." Twain must have been aggravated about the way schools were managed in his time. Whether that has improved in our times I will not discuss here, because this piece is not about schools. It is about education. I believe that we all agree, to some extent, that self-development is a good thing. While not everyone may be equally enamored by formal education, we all seem to be in sync about the importance of learning, whether this happens in school or somewhere else.

Perusing through the “Ask the Expert” section of a Surinamese newspaper, my eyes fell on a letter from a man who expressed his concern about the fact that his wife wants him to return to school and finish his education. The couple had met when they were both still in school: she was studying to become an educator, and he was in the arts. She got pregnant and he exchanged his schooling for a full-time job. She finished her education, and continued it after the birth of their child to the point where she now holds a master’s degree. Having a good job now, the wife wants her husband to also elevate his education, but he doesn’t feel that this is necessary. He holds the opinion that he has a decent job, which served a good purpose over the past years, so why should he return to school in order to learn anything else?

I felt that the response from the expert to whom this letter was addressed made good sense. The expert understood the man’s complaints, but also invited him to try reviewing his circumstances from a different angle: when one part of a couple continues to educate him- or herself and the other doesn’t, a disparity may emerge. Personally, I believe that there are even more viewpoints to consider here, such as a positive self-image and more opportunities for the person who engages in continued self-development. So, aside from restoring the intellectual balance with his wife, this man could increase his opportunities in life, whether the couple would stay together or not. And this element of continued progress for the self (and not necessarily for others) should be a key driver.

Studying is like working out. If you have not done it for a long time you feel reluctant to start again, because you know you'll have to reactivate muscles that were inactive for quite some time. In the case of education you will need to put gray cells that may have been hibernating back to work. It is particularly hard in the beginning; yet, it becomes more fun when you immerse more deeply into it. And the outcome is priceless! At the end of the ride you are extremely proud of yourself!

Now returning to Mark Twain, I readily admit that formal education can be frustrating sometimes. There are many stuffy, obsolete policies and practices that remain unaddressed because they would require too much money, time, and effort: admission procedures are often unreasonable, structures often outdated, lesson plans often dusty, and teachers often stranded in theories that are no longer valid. Fortunately, there are many roads leading to Rome today: the Internet, for example, with its abundance of material online, and books through which you can engage in self-study. And let's not forget the many independent courses worldwide. These are dynamic times, and I make a bow to anyone who dares to resume the thread of his or her development. Good luck!

The Gift of Loving our Animal Friends

Molly is a horse with three legs*. Oh, she was born in perfect condition, but during the floods caused by Hurricane Katrina in Louisiana, she was abandoned by her boss. After weeks of wandering around in flooded areas, she was found and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were harbored. Unfortunately, Molly's misery did not end there, because she was attacked by a pitbull who mangled her right foreleg. As it usually goes with social cases, Molly was not a priority for the vet, because there was no one who could pay the bill. Luckily the vet saw her and was moved with compassion. He saw how careful Molly treated her damaged leg and how she would lay in ways that she would not acquire any additional wounds. He also saw how she allowed people to help her. This horse wanted to survive and the vet decided to help.

Molly's mangled leg was amputated just below the knee and she received a provisional prosthetic leg. From there on, things improved steadily. A prosthetic specialist made her a permanent prosthesis and thanks to her balanced attitude Molly regained her zest for life. Today, she even notifies others when she wants her prosthetic leg attached or removed and best of all, she even has a job! Molly and her new owner visit hospitals and other places where people, especially children, have lost the will to live. With her presence and the story about her survival many get encouraged to work on their recovery with renewed energy.

Stories like Molly’s can be found around the world. Animals can be our greatest friends if we let them. We only need to be receptive to their generous, giving nature in order to experience how kindhearted most of them are. And then, it should be self-explanatory that we should also be there for them when they are in distress.

It is this last part that is sometimes lacking among humans. We want our animals to be there for us when we need them, but when it is the other way around, we often feel as if we cannot invest as much time, love and energy in them.

I therefore welcome the initiatives of many animal shelters and entities who go out of their way to save abandoned or mistreated pets and try to give them a new, loving home. The most painful truth is that many people think they are animal lovers, and choose to remain in complete ignorance about their actions. Think of the many people who state that they love their birds, but keep them caged year after year? Or those who swear that they love their dog but keep them chained month after month with no running space and no time or chance to play? And think of all the people that walk around in zoos with great pleasure, totally ignorant to the suffering of those caged animals?

There's a nasty selfish basis in keeping animals captive for our enjoyment. It reveals our inability to relate to the fate of these animals that have received a life sentence without having committed any crime. However, we do have the ability to think and reflect, and I am inviting you to consider animals with more reflective depth -- not only your pets but all animals. Give them a chance of a life they can enjoy, please? Take good care of them. Feed them well, take them to the vet when they are ill, and grant them proper space to move and play? If your pet is always locked or chained because you are so busy, you might want to consider granting him or her some more time, or donating  him or her to someone who can muster more time and love? I do hope that you read this in the spirit in which it is intended: not as reprimand, but as a humble request from animal lover to another.

* Story adopted from http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/molly.asp

The Gift of Humility

I make a deep bow to life today. Although this year has been more hectic for me that I had anticipated, I am grateful that I could be hectic, because things could have gone a different way. I could have had a stroke, heart attack, or accident that would have robbed me from my mental or physical abilities, disabling me from doing what I would like to do. But I’ve been spared in that regard. And although I regularly contribute my share of grumbling to the thick book of human lamentations, I am aware of this: it is good to have a full agenda, because it keeps me out of idleness, which is still the devil’s playground.

I make a deep bow to humanity today. Although I’m often embarrassed of our collective derailment and atrocities toward the less fortunate; our negligence to those who dwell and labor far from our bed; our disdain towards those we label as "less"; and our discrimination, physical and mental abuse of others as well as ourselves, I prefer to focus on the other side today. Human beings are smart and intelligent, and jointly we make giant steps to greater awareness. Thanks to our ever-expanding global social contact, we increasingly become aware of the many others on earth, and we rapidly learn to accept and acknowledge them as our brothers and sisters.

I make a deep bow to the earth today. Despite the fact that some people are convinced that our journey on earth is actually hell, I will not submit to that mindset today. Instead, I prefer to think that we all help create our own destiny. We make choices even though we may not be able to predict the final results. Nonetheless, they are our choices. The Earth has little to do with it: it only accommodates the direction we determine. If, therefore, we choose to follow the path of doom and gloom, it paves our way toward that. Yet, if we choose the path of compassion and servitude, it does the same. The earth facilitates and accommodates, in the broadest sense of the word. It is fertile and rich, and serves us without resentment. If we want to over-exploit and deplete it, it will wither and become impoverished: but that, too, is a facilitation of our actions.

I make a deep bow to myself today. Although I've made an equal number of smart and stupid decisions, I have managed to keep myself afloat in the sea of human existence. I believe that indicates that I must be strong and resilient. I could have easily gone mad from my setbacks, or embittered from my disappointments; arrogant because of my victories, or mean-spirited due to my human blindness, but I did not do so. I have chosen a fairly respectable existence: one of servitude. And even though I regularly get frustrated by the shortsightedness that both others as myself regularly display, I prefer to focus on the constructive side today. I’m alive, and today I decide to see that as a blessing. Tomorrow I may be annoyed again and nit-pick on everything that is wrong, but not today.

I make a deep bow to you, my blog reader today. You could have decided to ignore this piece and read something else, but that you did not. You decided to read up to here and I think that is a great honor. Thank you for that. It is a tremendous reward to my effort. Now I hope that you also want to make some deep bows. To whom or what? I gladly leave that up to you!

The gift of deciding what matters to us

I just finished reading a book that I had picked up at a recent conference. It is titled "I moved your cheese" and is written as a critical parody on the 1998 bestseller: "Who moved my cheese." Over the years, I have frequently mentioned that old bestseller in my presentations, lectures, and writings, because the message it provides is -in itself- strong enough: two mice and two little people who live in a maze and daily meet each other in cheese station C, where they obtain their cheese. On a bad day, however, the cheese has disappeared, and everybody is in disarray. Yet, the two mice don’t waste too much time: they quickly put on their running shoes, and set off into the maze in order to find new cheese.

The two little people do what most people do: for a few weeks they grumble about the injustice done to them, but in the end one of them suggests that they follow the example of the mice and also start looking for a new cheese source. The other doesn’t want to hear about this, because he feels that his rights have been violated, so he prefers to sit and wait until the cheese supply in station C is restored.

The little person that takes off to look for new cheese learns many lessons on his way to the uncertain future, but eventually discovers a new, bigger cheese station, where, lo and behold, he gets reunited with the two mice, who have settled in, but nevertheless keep their running shoes hanging around their necks in case of a new crisis.

Moral of the story: changes are continuous and unpredictable, and flexibility is the best way to respond to it.

In "I Moved Your Cheese" the author firmly criticizes the above story. While he agrees that life is full of surprises and that we must be flexible, he also feels that we shouldn’t take everything as a given, but should think critically about our situation and the changes we face. He comments that the first book fails to address the issue of who has actually moved the cheese.  Thus, he feels that the figures in that story promote a victimized mentality: someone took the cheese out of our mouth, and now we just look for other cheese -- no questions asked. The writer underscores that if we think this way, we will always remain the victims of "others".

In “I moved your cheese” the author introduces three mice, Max, Zed and Big, each of whom is exceptional in his own way. Max is incurably inquisitive and wants to know the "how" and "why" of everything. This is how he ultimately discovers that there is a world outside the maze, where people decide where the cheese gets moved to, so they can study the reactions of the mice. Once aware of this, Max begins to manipulate the logbooks of the people when they are asleep, and realizes that he now has the power to determine where the cheese will be placed on a daily basis.

Zed lives in the maze like all the other mice, but doesn’t care much about cheese. He eats just enough to stay afloat, and doesn’t allow his happiness to depend on abundance or scarcity of cheese. The other mice don’t understand him, because he is so stoic and detached in a way. When Max tells Zed about the world outside the maze and all the manipulations that go on with the cheese, Zed wisely responds: "the problem is not that the mouse in the maze, but that the maze in the mouse is: we all determine for ourselves what our shortcomings are".

Big, finally, becomes disturbed by the growing masses of mice around him and actively starts looking for a way out. Strong and athletic as he is, he begins to test the walls of the maze. One day he gathers all his physical and mental strength and runs straight through the thinnest wall, leaving a big hole in the maze for whoever wants to follow him, but determined for himself to never return to that restrictive maze.

Of course it depends on each of us to decide who we want to identify with: the mice of the second book, the mice and little people of the first book, or our own unique self, flexible and quick, but at the same time creative and critically thinking about what, in this life, is most important for us.

The gift of seeing things in perspective

Culture is a more influential phenomenon than we often think, and I don’t just mean the culture of a country, but every prevailing behavioral pattern in large and smaller communities. The other day I read in an article about an employee of a Brazilian beer company who was granted $25,000.00 after suing his employer for unreasonable and unethical demands. The man accused his employer of forcing him to participate in parties with prostitutes and watching pornographic movies. The judge handling this case asserted that the plaintiff, who is married and a devoted member of a Christian Church, had frequently been humiliated and ridiculed by his coworkers.

Disturbing situation, especially if we consider that it happens far more often than we read about it. Workforce members often find that they can only safeguard their jobs if they stretch their ethical boundaries. One can say, of course, that everyone is free to move on if they feel that their job brings unreasonable demands, but that's easier said than done, because we all know that jobs are not readily available, and that one cannot simply exit if one has monthly expenses and a family to uphold.

So, it might be worthwhile to examine why working people are placed before these types of moral challenges. First off, I would like to clarify that I, personally, have nothing against commercial sex workers. I think they suffice a need and probably even help lower the number of rape crimes in their communities. What disgusts me is the fact that business executives consider it necessary to entertain their affluent clients with distasteful activities that place their employees before ethical dilemmas.

And this is not a problem limited to certain parts of the world: it’s a global pestilence. In America plenty of scandals have been published over the years, especially about financial giants on Wall Street, where the millions roll as if they were peppermints. By default, women have had a hard time staying afloat in such an environment, not only because they often got harassed or bullied by their male coworkers, but also because they felt awkward taking clients to strip clubs. As a result women in this sector remain unmarried or exchange their high-paying but unreasonable jobs less prestigious but more ethically sound ones. The male employees generally seem to have fewer problems with this culture, even though there are some who abhor this part of their obligations, such as the above-mentioned Brazilian beer company employee.

As for the forced viewing of porn films I do have some reservations, because I feel that one doesn't have to look at something one doesn’t want to see. Of greater concern to me is the fact that some may think justice has been done now that the Brazilian beer company employee has been awarded $ 25,000.00 for having to endure this culture. But when we consider that the company has an annual turnover of more than half a billion, it quickly becomes clear that this sum is an absurd pittance for this mammoth company. Consequently, I would be very surprised if this fine would change anything about this corporation’s culture. After all, if you can sway a client into a collaboration that will guarantee several millions of dollars annually, and in return you might be fined the meager sum of $25,000.00 every ten years, would you stop if you had no moral conscience? Of course not!

Therefore, I believe that this entire damage compensation issue is a farce, intended to derail the masses, while the wicked corporate culture gets prolonged uninterruptedly. But then again, there’s nothing new under the sun.

The gift of focus

Life is a sequence of experiences, gentle and hard

This is a reality from which none of us is barred

But there are different ways

Of perceiving our living days

And to do so, we don’t have to be unusually smart.

We should always consider – before we raise our voices

That what we experience is the result of our own choices

We may not have known before

What our chosen path had in store

But reflection is always better than making twitchy noises.

Yet, even more important for us is the understanding

That we alienate others by complaining and demanding

If we grumble and gripe all the time

Our life’s value won’t be worth a dime

And worst of all: we’ll feel as if our misery is expanding!

For, while we cannot see in our future when we choose

We can decide to sing a happy life-tune or wail the blues

You see, our focus actually determines

The content of our personal sermons

It triggers the difference between sensing if we win or lose.

In our lives we have many things to be overjoyed about

But also things that can cause us to moan, cry, or shout

Some of us see our glass as half full

Others nag that it’s a half-empty pool

Forgetting that overcoming trials is what it’s all about.

So, if you wish, take this as a well-intended invitation

To reflect on your life and engage in contemplation

Is it really all terrible and bad?

Or are there things that make you glad?

If so, let’s gratefully celebrate our life’s jubilation!

joan marques