The gift of respect

About half a year ago a man made a comment that stunned me. It was right after the orals for my second doctorate - in the Netherlands. This professor from Belgium was a member of my examination Committee, and he said, "It's great to enlarge your consciousness about the whereabouts of all living creatures, but at the same time it must be very frustrating, because you become aware of so much suffering."

He hit the nail on the head: it ís a painful experience. I have shared my perspectives rather frequently with my reading audience in the last few years. I remember writing about my visit to Chicago,  a wonderful city, where tourists love to take a sightseeing ride in a beautifully painted carriage, towed by some horses. Unfortunately, there are few who are concerned about the suffering of these animals that are now forced to participate in the heavy downtown traffic with thousands of cars and motorcycles around them, and have to inhale poisonous exhaust fumes from close-by, minute after minute. Consequence: tears in Chicago for me. I also recall a visit to the LA zoo, where I realized, again in tears, that I would never again enter a zoo, particularly after seeing the miserable elephant in the hot sun and the gorilla that, in sheer misery, was pulling grass in his cage with his back towards the public. Watching television can be traumatic as well, because horses are abused in many Westerns without any concern for their wellbeing. And then there are the scenes of bears, tigers, or other wild animals, who have to suffer from training for many months before they are ready for the film shots, and then get trashed afterwards or, if they are lucky, land at the Wildlife Way Station, an ailing non-governmental organization, that tries heroically to offer a home to those who are now unfit for wildlife.

Of course the awareness reaches beyond just animals. About human suffering there’s so much to say that I don't even know where to start: the millions of undernourished, uneducated children, and their powerless mothers, while there are mammoth companies nearby, with stinking rich managers, insensitive to the gross inequalities that they deliberately maintain? Or senior citizens who, after a life of hard work for their families, land in senior homes where they are snubbed, and where their children and grandchildren sporadically pay a visit, because granny can't do much for them anymore? Or miserly doctors who have converted their vocation into pure business and only want to "serve" where they can rummage a lot of money? Many of these supposed medical caregivers are no longer interested in the cause of a problem, because it takes too much time and energy and it brings in relatively little money. Instead, they prefer to write out recipes for expensive drugs that smother the symptoms, and preferably cause side-effects, upon which they can write out some more recipes, thus maintaining their patients’ dependency.

Last week a dear family friend became the victim of such neglect: a prominent specialist neglected her problem, so now her young children are preparing for their first mother's day without a mother.

Having respect for all beings hurts and is often difficult too. After all, how do you respect those who have no respect for the well-being of others? That’s hard. It’s tragic too.

The gift of positive thinking

There is a story of two shoe factory representatives, George and Jake, who had to do market research in a remote African village. Georges report was succinct: "There is no potential in this village. Nobody has shoes!" Jake's report was also succinct:" There is enormous potential in this village. Nobody has shoes! "This story shows how two people can look at the same situation and draw totally different conclusions. The world has an abundance of Georges and a shortage of Jakes. And this is where I would like to start my real point.

I believe you can provoke major changes by starting small: with one person at a time. The way I try to contribute to a positive change is through education and writing. I share my ideas with small and sometimes larger groups in hopes that at least some members of these groups will actually be touched. Some people are natural Jakes, so they need little encouragement to create positive change to work. Most, however, are Georges: they see a problem in every opportunity, and refuse to change the current situation regardless how much they suffer from it! It takes a lot of courage - and often work - to bring about positive change. Oftentimes, you will find yourself chastised if you even dare to suggest something different!

Yet, it all starts with changing yourself, because the best example is set by your own life, right? George Bernard Shaw, a famous Irish writer, once said: "The best reformers our world has ever known are those which commence themselves." There's a funny note about Gandhi that proofs this: a woman asked Gandhi to tell her son not to eat sweets anymore. Gandhi suggested the woman come back in two weeks. When she returned Gandhi said to her son: "Boy, you should not eat sweets. It is not healthy." The woman asked Gandhi why they had to wait two weeks to hear this and Gandhi said:" Because I was eating sweets myself two weeks ago!"

Now, to continue about change: if you are bold enough to try for a change you should be prepared to get vilified. Think of Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King and many others now widely honored, but all of which were murdered. Today the ideologies of these history-transformers have many followers.

Unfortunately, the bulk of these followers make exactly the same mistake as the murderers of their role models: they refuse to hear about anything else! Why? Because the world has more Georges than Jakes! I notice it every day in my work. As a management professor, I am convinced that I teach the most important thing, because management is not just about our work: it pertains to our entire life! Yet, as in almost anything else, there is also apathy in management. Think of your own work: You probably have a supervisor (or are one yourself), and a department head, followed by a vice president and a CEO. This construct was built on a system that thrived over 100 years ago when people were mainly engaging in assembly-line work, which required constant supervision to ensure that everything happened as effectively as possible.

Today, we have machines to do the repetitive work, while human beings engage more in the intellectual tasks. The problems workers face today are quite different from those of a century ago: instead of recurring issues we now solve ambiguous problems. The logical result should be that the way we lead others should shift from controlling to motivating. However, applying this change takes courage, so I keep talking, writing, and acting, hoping to help awaken the Jakes, so they can say, "Nobody has shoes? What an opportunity! What an opportunity!"

The gift of renewing our perspectives

Just the other day I came across an article about underground banking. You may wonder why I would be interested in this topic, but it may soon become clear. First a quick explanation: underground banking is a form of service that falls outside the formal financial system. Oftentimes it involves the transfer of funds to other countries with as one of its most important objectives: tax evasion. Underground banking is considered part of the informal sphere of service, because governments have not figured out a way yet to tax it.

In the past few months I became fascinated with this whole "formal" versus "informal" economy thing. Sounds stuffy and boring? I thought so too in the beginning, but as I looked into it some more, I began to realize how much it means to our overall human wellbeing. My interest in the formal and informal economy got awakened when I had to develop proposals for presenting at a conference later this year. The topic was – you guessed it – the formal vs. informal economy! At first I thought, "Okay, this is not for me, because the subject is far from my bed!", but as I thought about it I began to see how much it concerns us all. So I gave it a shot, developed some proposals, and lo and behold: they got accepted!

Now, I will not bore you with details, but just share with you the dominant theme of my proposal. It's actually a question: can we still draw a clear line between formal and informal spheres? Our world has changed so much over the past decades: actions that used to be in the "informal" sphere are considered "formal" today, vice versa. A simple example of informal and formal spheres is a producer of homemade cookies or fruit juices. In the past everybody could prepare these things and take them to the neighborhood Mom-and-Pop store to have them on display there. Today you need to go through several motions: you need a license and formal visits from government bodies who will determine whether you have what it takes to engage in this small trade.

So, an "informal" sphere has been dragged into the "formal" arena, and can now be monitored," but most of all: it can be taxed! Then there are other economic activities that used in the formal atmosphere which are now well on their way to the Stone Age. Think of travel agencies and postal services. The Internet has made much of these activities obsolete. I now book my flights through Priceline or Hotwire, and rarely send a letter by "snail mail" anymore. For packages I (and millions of others with me) frequently use the privately coordinated mailing services of FedEx and UPS, so the formal postal service is fading. And yet, jobs in the formal
sphere are, on average, regarded higher than those in the informal sphere, because the informal sphere is usually born out of necessity: it shrinks when the economy blooms, and flares up when the economy is on the down.

The reasons why formal spheres are praised - often undeserved, by the way – has, in my opinion, much to do with control. Governments want to "monitor" activities, so they can demand taxes, and that is just easier in the "formal" sphere. Unfortunately, many people earn much less in the formal sphere than those that work in the informal sphere. As you may have gathered by now, the "spheres" are a product of our civilization. Truth of the matter is that many services in the formal sphere should undergo a serious, critical, conscious re-evaluation, because what is so respectable about producing weapons or cigarettes, which cause death and destruction? And what is so inferior about homemade crafts, or even prostitution, if they or responsibly executed (as in some countries), provide income, and reduce crime? The world is changing, and we can no longer cling to dusty, obsolete mindsets.

In my opinion there are no formal (white) or informal (black) spheres anymore today; just different shades of gray. What do you think?

The gift of awareness

A water bubble became aware of its individuality and looked around. It thought, “Wow! So many of us, and yet, we’re all so unique!” It started observing the bubbles around and realized that some were small, others huge, and many were in-between. Some looked worn out, as they had become stained by the motions of the ocean. Others were clear and shiny and looked beamingly light in the glow of the sun.

The water bubble danced along with the others and soon realized that they were creating a wave. As he moved up to the top of the wave, he got mesmerized by the view: “Oh goodies! So many other waves! That means so many more bubbles like me! And look! We’re so powerful together!” Soon, however, the wave descended, and the water bubble started craving another high. It waited a while to see what was happening, but soon got bored from the lack of activity around him. It rolled away from the bubbles that had surrounded him so far and started traveling through the ocean. Earlier, it had seen a wave that was higher than the others and in its youthful zest it wanted to be part of that one. The water bubble got confused by the many new bubbles and waves it encountered. Some were rather friendly, but some were indifferent or a bit snooty, and some were downright rude.

Finally, however, the water bubble arrived at the large wave community. It took some getting used to the new culture, because these were aggressive bubbles: they were hyperactive and bubbled away as if they were the center of the universe. The water bubble learned that his new bubble community was preparing to create the biggest wave so far. They had negotiated with some of the other smaller waves and reached an agreement: they would merge so that they would be even more powerful and maybe even become the ruler of the ocean! The water bubble prided itself in being part of this enormous wave and imagined how all other water bubbles would look up to the wave of which he was now part. And indeed! The wave soon attained the reputation of being the giant among waves, and many water bubbles from the other waves were joining the gigantic wave, making it even larger, and even more forceful. Every time the wave would ascend, the bubbles held tight and roared in excitement, causing a sound that impressed all other waves in the surrounding.

The water bubble had now experienced many roaring ascends, and was getting bored with the constant ups and downs. It suggested to the other bubbles to team up with even more smaller waves and expand into a wave like no one had ever seen before: a tsunami! That sounded like a fabulous idea to the others, and soon the merging started: waves that were not too eager to merge were simply seized. Once the number of bubbles was so much that in the furthest distance there was no other wave in sight, the major rise started. Higher and higher up went the wave. It seemed as if it was going to catch the sun! The clouds in the sky quickly moved away by this scary sight, and the wave grew with dazzling speed to a petrifying height, seizing boats, even major ships, and rushing straight to the shore, where people had been alarmed about this mammoth of a danger that was heading toward the land.

The gigantic wave towered over the land, penetrated multi-story hotels on the beach, and made its way inland for many, many miles, leaving a trail of dead and destruction wherever it went. When it finally calmed down, and the water had returned to sea, there was devastation among the creatures that lived on the land. And the water bubble? Well, it found out that water bubbles, like everything else, are impermanent. On the height of the tsunami, it got smashed to a 17th floor hotel window, and splashed. The air in the bubble merged into the airwaves outside, and the water fragments returned to the ocean along with all the rest. Moral of the story: everything arises and passes.

The gift of life

Just recently I read an article in a Surinamese newspaper about a man who went to a party with his wife and kids, drank too much, started arguing with his wife, and on the way back got in such a rage that he had his wife get out of the car, after which he drove into a river, thereby taking not only his life, but also those of the couple’s three children, ages 6, 3, and 1, who were in the car.

When one gets confronted with such nefarious acts, any comment seems pointless. I cannot begin to explain how many times my heart has cringed in sadness about the horrific last minutes of these innocent children. How dismayed must they have been to realize that the man whom they trusted to protect them from evil and misery turned out to be their executor? There is no greater disillusion thinkable! Where could we even begin to look for causes and effects? We can dig into this man’s family history or search for a pattern of domestic violence that should have alarmed his wife and family, but that doesn’t return the lives that are lost. We can try to find fault in the man’s culture or we can analyze his personal emotional baggage: it's all hindsight deliberation. Time continues in its ancient, unperturbed way, and this disheartening case is now part of history.

Yet, there are some points we may want to ponder as we move on.

First: mentality. I recently listened to a speech from Sam Harris, in which he made the assertion that culture reshapes the human brain. He referred to cultures where fathers murder their daughters if these are raped, because they are more concerned with the family’s honor than the wellbeing of their child. There may have been a similar twist in the mindset of the man who drowned himself and his children. He was filled with selfish rage against his wife, thus, he took her children away from her.

Then there’s the attitude of the man’s wife. One might wonder whether she could have tried to tactfully avoid any confrontation with the drunkard. Leaving her children in the car with such a heavy drunk turned out to be a fatal mistake. Yet, we cannot judge since we’re unaware of the circumstances.

There is also the issue of maturity: the man who drowned himself and his kids was only 28 years old. His oldest son was six. Yes, these things are "normal" in certain cultures, but maybe it is time that those cultures come to realize that some men are not mature enough at the tender age of 22 to engage in the responsibility of parenthood. I have yet to find formal research evidence, but I think in psycho-social regards men are generally younger than women of similar age.

Finally, my ever-recurring question: how on earth do we dare to consider human beings more sensitive than animals? As far as I know animals do not rob their children from their most precious gift: their lives.

The gift of making our own choices (and owning up to them)

I read on an Internet news source a few days ago that a man in Afghanistan strangled his wife to death because she had given birth to a daughter for the third time, while he had hoped for a son. As if this unnerving stupidity is not horrendous enough, the man was assisted by his mother in his despicable act! I get so disheartened when I read these things, because it demonstrates that in this "enlightened" day and age, these things are still common practice in our human behavior.

There are three reasons why I am bringing up this distasteful situation: 1. It shows that, despite the global communications and information flows, there are still too many people to which there is no access possible. The question thus arises, how we will ever be able to reach a level where we can provide basic development to all people on the globe. 2. It proves that we continue to suffer from the negative impact of cultural, religious, social, and political doctrines, which still drive many to horrendous and shortsighted acts.3. In a broader sense it emphasizes how easy it is to look out of the window instead of in the mirror when it comes to finding a perpetrator for something we are displeased about.

When, in the case mentioned above, a man cannot even accept that the gender of his baby is determined by his sperm in the first place - which indicates that he should strangle his own neck to begin with - we clearly see how devastating this weak characteristic can be! The example above illustrates a sad behavior of which all of us are guilty at times: we search for a scapegoat for something of which we often know that we are (at least partly) guilty.

And now that we're on the topic: Nothing just randomly happens to us. Everything we experience is a result of the choices we once made. Hence, everything is ultimately our responsibility! To illustrate this statement with the case of strangling husband: even if it would turn out that getting three daughters was to be attributed to the position of his wife's egg, which had caused his male chromosomes not to be able to fertilize it, he was still responsible for choosing to have sex with that particular woman, right? So, even if the argument of an arranged marriage is made, it remains a fact that no man can be forced into having sex if he does not want to? This leads to the conclusion that the man and his wife were therefore both responsible for the pregnancy, and, hence, for the product of that pregnancy.

And then the social conditions: While I feel very sorry for the poor wife's ordeal, I doubt whether she would have reacted any different if she had switched places with her mother-in-law. The problem lies deeper than a marital dispute, and we don't have to be historians or anthropologists to understand that. In several societies men are simply never blamed: certainly not when it comes to baring children. The fact that this way of thinking is still valid in 2012 is extremely disheartening. It remains easier to look out of the window and condemn the specks of sawdust in others' eyes inside of staring in the mirror at the many planks in our own eyes.

The gift of being a gift to others

It’s been a rainy season for me, emotionally speaking. I have recently lost two living beings that I was quite fond of. One was my mother, and the other my cat. Some people may wonder whether it is even appropriate to mention both in one sentence, or to consider the passing of these two beings at a similar level, but those people may not have contemplated the following:

In my life, both of these spirits were precious gifts to me: in their own way, they helped me through tough times, and I can only hope that I was able to return some of the blessings they bestowed onto me.

Coming to think of it, there were many common factors between these two loving spirits: they had both been challenged for a significant part of their lives with serious conditions, but departed rather unexpectedly, and due to entirely different causes. My mother was a triple cancer survivor, and everyone who knew her was amazed about the strength she represented by continuing her zest for life under circumstances where others would have long given up all hope. My cat – her name was Poes – had been suffering from heavy epileptic seizures since she was about 3 years old. When she passed she was a little over 11 years old, which means that for 8 long years she went through cycles of physical and mental challenges, a fact that convinced me that she must have had much more than the nine lives cats are usually claimed to have. These two “ladies” were both winners, and great role models to me in their own way. They were also very modest. My mother had great musical talents, but preferred to remain in the background, and never sought the limelight. My cat was sensitive and had the most beautiful blue eyes I have seen in a cat, but she preferred to stay in the background, especially when a little Yorkie entered our household and started demanding the majority of my attention.

There were times that I felt a slight sense of guilt toward my mother for not calling her often enough, even though I know she would have appreciated it very much. I felt similar waves of guilt toward Poes for not spending more time with her, and allowing the many other things on my agenda to get the better of me. And yet, they were both there: unwaveringly, loyally, truthfully, and without any blame. They simply accepted me for who and what I was, and continued to be the gracious gift they were.

Now that I am moving on without them, I can clearly see the value they added to my life, as well as the lives of others they touched. While they surely had their shortcomings, they did one major thing without any doubt: they served the important purpose of making the lives of others better because they existed. They were precious gifts. All I can therefore do to honor them is to try to be a precious gift as well to those I currently know and those I will still encounter on this journey.