The gift of making our own choices (and owning up to them)

I read on an Internet news source a few days ago that a man in Afghanistan strangled his wife to death because she had given birth to a daughter for the third time, while he had hoped for a son. As if this unnerving stupidity is not horrendous enough, the man was assisted by his mother in his despicable act! I get so disheartened when I read these things, because it demonstrates that in this "enlightened" day and age, these things are still common practice in our human behavior.

There are three reasons why I am bringing up this distasteful situation: 1. It shows that, despite the global communications and information flows, there are still too many people to which there is no access possible. The question thus arises, how we will ever be able to reach a level where we can provide basic development to all people on the globe. 2. It proves that we continue to suffer from the negative impact of cultural, religious, social, and political doctrines, which still drive many to horrendous and shortsighted acts.3. In a broader sense it emphasizes how easy it is to look out of the window instead of in the mirror when it comes to finding a perpetrator for something we are displeased about.

When, in the case mentioned above, a man cannot even accept that the gender of his baby is determined by his sperm in the first place - which indicates that he should strangle his own neck to begin with - we clearly see how devastating this weak characteristic can be! The example above illustrates a sad behavior of which all of us are guilty at times: we search for a scapegoat for something of which we often know that we are (at least partly) guilty.

And now that we're on the topic: Nothing just randomly happens to us. Everything we experience is a result of the choices we once made. Hence, everything is ultimately our responsibility! To illustrate this statement with the case of strangling husband: even if it would turn out that getting three daughters was to be attributed to the position of his wife's egg, which had caused his male chromosomes not to be able to fertilize it, he was still responsible for choosing to have sex with that particular woman, right? So, even if the argument of an arranged marriage is made, it remains a fact that no man can be forced into having sex if he does not want to? This leads to the conclusion that the man and his wife were therefore both responsible for the pregnancy, and, hence, for the product of that pregnancy.

And then the social conditions: While I feel very sorry for the poor wife's ordeal, I doubt whether she would have reacted any different if she had switched places with her mother-in-law. The problem lies deeper than a marital dispute, and we don't have to be historians or anthropologists to understand that. In several societies men are simply never blamed: certainly not when it comes to baring children. The fact that this way of thinking is still valid in 2012 is extremely disheartening. It remains easier to look out of the window and condemn the specks of sawdust in others' eyes inside of staring in the mirror at the many planks in our own eyes.

The gift of being a gift to others

It’s been a rainy season for me, emotionally speaking. I have recently lost two living beings that I was quite fond of. One was my mother, and the other my cat. Some people may wonder whether it is even appropriate to mention both in one sentence, or to consider the passing of these two beings at a similar level, but those people may not have contemplated the following:

In my life, both of these spirits were precious gifts to me: in their own way, they helped me through tough times, and I can only hope that I was able to return some of the blessings they bestowed onto me.

Coming to think of it, there were many common factors between these two loving spirits: they had both been challenged for a significant part of their lives with serious conditions, but departed rather unexpectedly, and due to entirely different causes. My mother was a triple cancer survivor, and everyone who knew her was amazed about the strength she represented by continuing her zest for life under circumstances where others would have long given up all hope. My cat – her name was Poes – had been suffering from heavy epileptic seizures since she was about 3 years old. When she passed she was a little over 11 years old, which means that for 8 long years she went through cycles of physical and mental challenges, a fact that convinced me that she must have had much more than the nine lives cats are usually claimed to have. These two “ladies” were both winners, and great role models to me in their own way. They were also very modest. My mother had great musical talents, but preferred to remain in the background, and never sought the limelight. My cat was sensitive and had the most beautiful blue eyes I have seen in a cat, but she preferred to stay in the background, especially when a little Yorkie entered our household and started demanding the majority of my attention.

There were times that I felt a slight sense of guilt toward my mother for not calling her often enough, even though I know she would have appreciated it very much. I felt similar waves of guilt toward Poes for not spending more time with her, and allowing the many other things on my agenda to get the better of me. And yet, they were both there: unwaveringly, loyally, truthfully, and without any blame. They simply accepted me for who and what I was, and continued to be the gracious gift they were.

Now that I am moving on without them, I can clearly see the value they added to my life, as well as the lives of others they touched. While they surely had their shortcomings, they did one major thing without any doubt: they served the important purpose of making the lives of others better because they existed. They were precious gifts. All I can therefore do to honor them is to try to be a precious gift as well to those I currently know and those I will still encounter on this journey.

The gift of peace

If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.
~Lao Tzu

We often associate peace with non-war. This is why we think that when we live in a country or city where there is no formal war going on, we live in peace. But is that really so? Think of all the people who lead an extremely hectic life and are always running behind something: a better job, greater salary, more power and prestige, a larger house in a wealthier neighborhood, more expensive outfits and cars than the neighbors – all those people are not at peace. Even though they don’t live in a formal war zone, there is war in their mind.

Many people confuse this internal war with ambition, and defend their constant restlessness that way. They will say that everybody does it, and that they cannot allow themselves to be left behind. This is also why many members of modern society live beyond their means and have enormous debts. They feel that they have to match up with others, so they do whatever they consider necessary to demonstrate that. What they don’t realize is that they are involved in an internal war: they fight with themselves. After all, no one else knows their struggle or can see or feel what pressure they allow themselves to be under, right?

When people place themselves under such stress they are quick to point fingers at others: parents, teachers, co-workers, bosses, society – it’s everyone else’s fault that they are in this enduring trap of over-performing and under-achieving – not theirs. The unfortunate truth is, however, that they have allowed themselves to function with a low degree of self-esteem. The more they claim that they hold high self-esteem, the more their body-language and their actions will contradict that.

There are many people with this problem – all around us. They are constantly struggling, and therefore, never at peace, regardless of their surroundings. As the quote from Lao Tzu above states, peace starts in our heart. If our hearts have no peace, we may live in the most peaceful environments, and still be at war. On the other hand, if our hearts are at peace, we may reside in the most brutal surroundings, and still be calm and composed.

This is as good a time as any to think on these things, and then deeply examine ourselves to find whether we really are at peace with ourselves, because only when we are at peace with ourselves will we be at peace with the world.

The gift of holidays

Everybody has a holiday
Doing things they always wanted to
So we’re going on a summer holiday
To make our dreams come true
For me and you...

That’s what Cliff Richard sings in one of his wonderful hits from several decades ago. And he's right: holidays are great things. They are real gifts, which we often don’t recognize as such. We all have holidays, no matter what culture we live or work in. We welcome them for several reasons: family time, traveling to go see people or places, partying, catching up on tasks we never got to, or simply, to rest.

In fact, the last reason, resting, is not too often on our agenda when holidays come along. How often hasn’t it happened that we feel more tired after a holiday than before? Yet, we have it in our hands. We can either allow social requirements to get the best of us, or listen to our deepest need and adhere to that. If other words: if you’re tired, why run around on holidays? Resting may be the blessing the holidays are intended to bring you, and it’s up to you to accept or reject that.

We have come to a point where many of us have become victims of our circumstances: we are afraid that if we don’t attend this party, or if we decide to forego that trip, we may miss out on something important. But what I'm stating next is nothing new: you will get what comes to you, whether you attend that party or go on that trip or not. Everything happens as it should, so it is rather silly of us to regret chances we perceive as “missed.” They were simply not meant to be ours to start with!

If we adopt that mindset, we will probably allow ourselves much more rest on holidays, and though that, get focused on what we really need, so that we can be our best self when it’s really time to perform.

Enjoy your holiday in the way you feel is really best for your wellbeing.

The gift of you

A lady once had a precious necklace around her neck. But, forgetful as we can all be sometimes, she forgot that she had it on and thought her necklace was lost. She looked for it everywhere but could not find it. She called friends and family members to ask if they knew the whereabouts of her precious necklace, but none of them had any idea where it could be. At last one of her friends suggested for her to feel around her neck to find out if, perhaps, she was wearing it? She felt around her neck and, indeed, found that the necklace had been there all along. In the days after her frantic search, the lady's friends and family members called her to ask if she found her necklace. She admitted to finding it, because to her it was as if she had lost it, even though it had been with her all the time.

Just as it is with the precious jewelry of the lady above, so is it too with our self. We often forget our most important gift, our self - which is always with us -, and seek everything we need outside. We ask friends and family members, mentors, colleagues, supervisors, gurus, and others to advise us about issues to which we could actually find the best answers by turning to the jewel inside.

Many people are skeptical about this notion of an inner guru. That is because they have been programmed so well and so long to rely on everything and everybody else for counsel, that they no longer believe they harbor the capacity to develop insights. Some of them visit the inner fountain at times, and then forget about it again, as they get caught in the demanding quests of life. Others may initially turn inward and find answers, but then get influenced by an externally focused environment, upon which they promptly lose touch with their core.

Nevertheless: all the awareness you need in life resides inside of you. A good way to reconnect with this inner wealth is through meditation. Meditation is not a religious process, but more a psychological one. And just as well as we have been psychologically conditioned to think that insight and awareness are external treasures to be chased continuously, we can psychologically recondition ourselves to understand that they reside inside.

Sir Ken Robinson, one of the most brilliant critics of our education system, gives a funny but telling example of a little girl who is drawing something. When her teacher asks her what she’s drawing she says, "I'm drawing God." The teacher says, "But no one knows what God looks like!" Little girl: "They will in a minute."

There was a time you were like that little girl, with a similar connection to your inner awareness and imagination. You can restore that connection and rediscover the path to your inner fountain and its abundance. Try it. It may be an enjoyable journey!

The gift of breathing

"Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies".~ Erich Fromm

You may have heard people say that we only value something when we have lost it. That is very true. But there is one thing that's so critical, that we no longer exist once we lost it: our breath.

Day after day, we are so busy undertaking all kinds of "important" actions, that we take the things that really matter for granted. Breathing is one of those things. How often do we simply take a moment to focus on our breathing? And yet, it is the one thing that distinguishes us from death. But because we have been blessed with this gift from birth, we don't think about it too often. We rarely value it, until there is a moment when we get in trouble and cannot breath. That moment can be a minuscule one. Just a few seconds. When the air is cut off, we suddenly realize that all those appointments, living standards, desires, special someone's, positions and possessions don't really matter. When our breath gets cut off, we are ready to sacrifice all those "important" things to get it back.

There is a touching story of a man who suffered from asthma. He just met a pretty young lady, and they were getting along very well. Yet, about a week after they met, while making plans to go to the movies, he got a terrible asthma attack. It was so severe, that his friend realized she had to do something drastic. She stopped a passing car and explained the problem. As they raced to the hospital, the young man’s breath stopped completely. However, his girlfriend was not planning to let him slip away, and she performed CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation) onto him over and over again until they reached their destination, where he was rushed inside and placed on a ventilator. By giving him her breath, he stayed alive. They are now happily married and have a family. It would not have been possible without sharing her breath in those critical moments.

Breathing is possible through the air around us, and we all know that we would not survive if that was gone. The earth, our common home, harbors the right amount of oxygen and the perfect temperature to provide us with the conditions to stay alive. But that, too, is something we don't consider often enough. Instead, we mainly focus on things that disrupt our peace of mind, such as trying to own a more advanced car than our neighbor, or wear a more expensive dress that our friend, or acquire a higher position than our colleague. We want to impress, and we are filled with the ambition to do so. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it does not become such an obsession that it entirely disrupts our joy in life. It is critical to regularly keep the bigger picture in mind, and the funny thing is, that the bigger picture is captured in the modest things. But without the basic conditions, which we all share and need, there would be none of our daily strife.

So, here's to the gift of breathing.

The gift of our time

When we're young, and even in our middle-aged years, we get so busy that we tend to lose sight of the real important things in our lives, because they seem so simple. We become so absorbed by new people, projects, plans, purposes, and promises, that we forget all the old ones that made us who we are today. And sometimes it takes an unexpected event to regain our focus and realize what should really be our priority.

There is a story about a young, successful man, who had moved to another town to increase his career chances in life. He also had a wife and son, but, like most young fathers and husbands, he did not spend a lot of time with them, because he was always doing something that was either important or urgent. One day his mother called and told him that their old neighbor had passed away. The young man was quiet for a moment, then admitted that he honestly thought the old man had died long ago. Well, this wasn’t the case, and the mother was hoping he would be able to come over for the funeral. But the young man stated that he was too busy. His mother talked on and started reminiscing about all the things the old neighbor did for the young man when he was a little boy. Gradually the past started reliving and the young man realized what a major role the old neighbor had played in his childhood, especially after he lost his father. Images that he had long forgotten returned to his mind: the neighbor teaching him to create and repair little things, to make his own kite, to fix his bicycle tire... And while his mother was still recalling how nice it was of this old neighbor to try and play the role of a semi-father in the young boy's life, the young man felt his heart melting and said to his mother that he would attend the funeral after all.

The funeral was small and insignificant, and as the young man was driving his mother home, she suggested to visit the old neighbor’s house one more time. Everything was the same, except for an old box, which had consistently been the center of his attention as a little boy. He had always asked what was in that box, but the old neighbor had only smiled vaguely. Weeks later, as life had regained its hectic pace, a package was delivered to the young man's office. It turned out to be the box from the neighbor, which he had left to the young man. The antique box, a beauty in its own right, contained a wonderful gold watch, in which five words were engraved: “Thank you for your time.”

These 5 words changed the young man's perspective on life. He suddenly realized how much their time together must have meant to the old neighbor, and what a valuable gift time really is. We allocate our time to projects and things that later seem so futile in the larger scheme of things. Let us consider that, be grateful for the time others give us, and carefully consider which dear person we withheld the gift of our time lately. Then, let's do something about that!

Story source: http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/What%20he%20valued%20most.htm